Thoughts Just Before Dawn
August 30, 2011
So, here I am. Lost in my dreams. As I wander and search, I am aware of the dream. I know where I am. No map or compass is needed. I am awash in grey heading to the lonely tone that beckons me on.
Why is it that grey is the start? There’s never the path bathed in light in my dreams. No road worn by travel to follow. It’s always the quezzy blindness that engulfs me. My heart says follow my head. My head says follow my heart. And all I am left with is uncertainty and an ache of both.
Ugh. Will I ever be right? Do right? To be needed and wanted by someone. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, yet would I , could I … Do I have the capacity to recognize it? To accept?
I was told that I don’t open up. I’m independent and unyielding with my thoughts. I can’t say that I happen to disagree. And the thing is, it does nothing to protect me. Even though the words aren’t brought forth, they exist. They manifest themselves and take breath. I give them life. Power to incapacitate me. To hinder me. Just because there’s no introductions…. They’re still right beside me. Owning their existence.
They’re my scars. My gatekeepers of times passed. Because they say time heals all wounds. But it’s the scars that get left behind so we don’t forget. So we don’t forget…
‘Don’t climb there, you’ll fall and get hurt.’
‘Don’t touch that, you’ll get burned.’
It seems that it’s the scars that remind what ‘not’ to do. Have you ever received a scar from something that you ‘should’ have done? And the emotional scars… Just the healing process is enough to archive the memory forever.
I want good scars. Ones I can trace with my fingers or meander through my mind. I want laughing scars. I want heart scars that cause me to wear them on my sleeve with abandon. To live and love without fear. Is it in my nature? Am I as the scorpion? Or is it something I can manipulate? Control.
It’s the fear. I want to own it, yet still embrace it. Shifts it’s power. To be stronger. To hold it’s hand and walk with it until I can let go. Emotional and physical fear can make me stronger. But, do I face them on my own? Do I seek someone who shares my fears, a mutual understanding? Or do I search for one who accepts me with them and allows me to take them on myself? And would he be strong enough?
Giving that faith to someone to see your fears.. will they run and hide? Or battle beside?
