I am a Tourist

I find myself, tonight, like many others of late, exhausted yet unable to find respite behind my lids.

My mind, tumultuous and unyielding. My dreams, the shadows of my days that spring to life in the brief darkness that I am allowed. And the strangeness of them…they range and perplex me upon re-entry to the light. Although, most often, there is a familiarity that reassures me. Grounds me amongst the confusion.

But still, I wander though my day dissecting any meaning I can from them. Usually to no avail. I chalk it up to stress and stamp my ticket for my next nights adventure.

Then I happened upon a song, an occurance that is quickly becoming a trait, that made me pause. And there are very few things that cause me to do so. Lightning bugs on a hot summers night, collecting seashells and music.

It’s the tourist that caught my attention. And I realize, I feel more of a tourist in the rhythm of my days than the crazy that is any given dream….. Another post, for another night, when sleep isn’t finally winning.

White Blank Page

There are times in life when you come across a song, so randomly, yet, it IS, it SINGS, your soul.  An occurrence on the timeline of your life.  It pin points it.  And there it reflects all that encompasses your state.  And you can’t help but pause and listen.  Barriers broken down for the duration of the melody.

And in its conclusion, all I desire is to move forward.  Impervious.

Icky, Gooey Love Stuff…

I think I’m channeling Lenny Kravitz today…“What are the rules the reasons and the do’s and dont’s..” It seems that every handbook, on any subject,  from brewing your own beer to washing your car, that statement would apply.  And yes, I do know that I acknowledge that as a statement.  A statement that lends itself to a myriad of introspective questions.  For me, in everything, there are rules….be them self-imposed or society driven.  Delving into the reasoning behind my actions is most probably the toughest battle I face.  I tend to be a believer in there being a reason behind everything.  And the do’s and dont’s that precipitate a snowball effect continuing the “do this and don’t to that.  If you do that than this will happen.”  Ahh…cause and effect.  A statement that adheres to the fabric of our everyday lives and doings.

But how does this manifest itself when it comes to matters of the heart?  Here, there are no rules.  Have you ever tried reasoning with your heart?  I have.  And it’s not pretty!  And I hope you like the color gray, because it a-washes itself in the fact that love holds no relationship with black or white   You love someone or you don’t. Seems easy enough.  Yea, right!

The problems arise when love behaves impractically and outside it’s little love box.  By it’s nature it should not be contained, but allowed to roam free until it entangles itself around two willing parties.  Plans are made and a happily ever after ensues.

But, and this is a very BIG but…what happens when the statement “You can love a lot of people in this world, but there is only one person that you love the most.” is the one that entangles itself around you.  And you’ve already began down your happily ever after road only to find that it twist and turns itself around to find that someone else?  Not an instead of, or a better than, or even for a brief moment in time…but the other, the one that you love the most. Stamping ones foot and shaking a fist towards the heavens does nothing to alleviate the struggle with the unfairness of the situation.  Steps need to be taken.  Lives will change and spin, on what once was, a stable axis, and teeter on the edge.

But what choice does one have but to follow their heart?  To hope that the heart is unbound in its knowledge of who it wants and needs.  A reciprocity that is undeniable and will not be ignored or pushed aside or buried beneath or even masked within a connection of another.  A journey with an unimaginable destination. Steeped in the essence of another.  Where two combine as one in its truest literal and figurative form.

The poets drive themselves crazy with it.  There are writers who expound upon it.  And artists who portray it in visual and tactile form.  But, to feel it lies within the exchange of the two in which it has bound itself.  Forever changing the fabric of lives it’s stuck itself to..

Do You Love Me?

I got marbles in my mouth
Thousand words I wanna say but it’s impossible to spit em out
I can barely make a sound
Do you love me?

I find it strange that I came across this song today. You see, I have this recurring dream, of which I had last night, where I have gum in my mouth and I can’t talk. The situation in which I find myself in this position changes, but with always the same result… I can’t get out what I want to say, no matter how hard I try to pull the gum out, there’s always more.

I inevitably wake up, anxious and wondering what words were left behind.

Looks Like Some Music Has Found Me

It’s weird sometimes how music comes to me.  This song was in a dream I had last night and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  It took me all day to figure it out.  But I did, and here it is..

By The Way

You left without saying good-bye to me…

And So I Run

It seems that no matter how far I run, I always end up where I started. And I’m not talking about location.

For me, running is not only about keeping in shape and personal bests. It’s about escape. Release. Distraction. Management. And in all its facets, it’s been my constant throughout the years.

I first started to run just out of high school. I guess I should say in high school. I was varsity softball and soccer, both of which included running as part of training. I started running for “myself” just after. As a coping mechanism. My best friend that I met at age 6 at the bus stop, left this world that August. My first running shoes carried me through the pain and the unfairness of it all. Just me and the memories. I’d let my surroundings envelope me. Carry me to my runner’s high and back. I still think of her. I have the most vivid dreams where she comes back from some memory loss. Back to my world. These are the days when I still run with no music, no iPod. Just me, the memories and my environmental escape.

Running has also seen me through a myriad of relationships, jobs, and life changes. I have run in downtown Boston along the Charles River, through the back streets and dirt roads of northern NH and even in the sand and sun of the Hawaiian Islands. Some days I want the isolation, want to be alone in my pursuit. But other days I love being one of the masses. All at our own pace. Our own destinations. Running our connection as we disconnect.

These days, as I continue donning my running shoes, I escape into the music. Finding the perfect mix is a distraction and a challenge all its own. And very rarely do I get it right the first time. That being said, it is a lot easier mixing on a iPod than back in the day with the Sony Walkman. How I did love that bright yellow motivator! I need my warm up, my cool down. The music that will push me up that damn hill and the songs that carry me though the kick ass portion. My mind constantly trying to out run my pace, away from the recent memories that have embedded themselves in my mind. Their roots dug in, unwilling to be weeded out.

I place the ear buds snug in my ears, and start out again. Setting off and hoping that as the music sets my pace, it will take me to a place where my mind is free. My focus on my breath, my legs, my route taking me away. Because at the end, I know the rooted memories will be unmoved. And I will end up just where I began.

KICK ASS EXAMPLE

Up late and listening..

4:01am…Just When I Needed You Most

3rd night in a row I’ve woke to see 4am on my cell phone.  This  time it wasn’t a dream that shook me from sleep.  This time, it was this song in my head.  Not sure why.  It’s a *really* old song.

It reached #8 on the UK Singles Chart in September 1979

Randy Vanwarmer – Just When I Needed You Most
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One day in a convertible with an old friend…

Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer 45 RPM vinyl
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This song always reminds me of a drive I took up the coast of NH. If you’ve never traveled Rte. 1/1A, you should put it on your to do list. It’s a beautiful drive that runs along the Atlantic coastline.

It was one of the last days of summer and a spur of the moment drive. An old friend and a red ’67 convertible mustang. One of my favorite memories….