The unseen words are lost
yet they have unfortunately impressed
upon my heart
for once they were wrought

What I’ve come to realize is that sometimes there is no rational explanation. No word or string of words that can encompass a shared knowledge that two people will be forever entwined in each other. And there’s not a damn thing that can be done about it.

And it’s more than love.Than desire. A connection that, when space isn’t an obstacle, is undeniable. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And it’s genuine, yet it slips right through my fingers. Ever elusive and just out of reach. And just the very knowledge that it exists doesn’t allow me to disregard it or move on to leave it behind.

To love someone, not in spite of who they are, but because of who they are. The differences that separate, are the very things that entangle. They challenge and enlighten. The opposites that balance and keep us on our toes.

I don’t know….. Maybe I’m just a romantic who’s lost her way.

My Story

How many first sentences will it take? How many drafts? The map is at the start. The journey, is the middle. And at the end, a beginning.

8

Damn
I miss you
But I can’t tell you that
So I put it here
In my secret place
Away
So you don’t know
Don’t see
Just how much
You are to me
Still
As always

Snow Day

Where I am, it’s been snowing for days. The mumblings of REDRUM reverberating in my head. Cabin fever is definitely settling in. And it is now that I remember the storms of my childhood. The hour-long journey of snow preparation beginning with the snow pants, boots, mittens with strings attached, the jacket and of course, the cherry on top, the hat. Which, in its conclusion, always made me have to pee. And another 30 minutes later I was finally ready to head out for some fun. But first, I had to make it out the door. Walking proving difficult at this point. But in the end, it was all worth it. Snow forts. Snowball fights. King, or in my case, Queen of Snow Mountain. I’d come home cheeks red and missing my hat. Never the mittens as they were strung up one arm, around my back and down the other arm. To a cup of hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows or a heaping spoonful of fluff.

Today, as a parent, snow days mean shoveling, salting, emergency kits and the preparation of my kids for their winter fun. How I still hate the dressing up. The fighting over wearing the hats. “I don’t care if the snow pants are bulky. You’re wearing them if you want to go outside.” And the inevitable, “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom!” Ugh!

But, this storm was different. After the shoveling and the salting, we built a snow tunnel emptying out into a fort. And the snowball fight was that much more fun when enhanced by the giggling of my 3-year-old because my daughter caught me off guard with a direct hit.

As the snow was falling, I was fortunate to catch the moment. You know the ones that slip by without a second glance? Well, I caught this one. My kids enjoying a snowstorm, as I once did. As I was doing. With them.

Another 4am…?

Okay.  Day 4.  What’s waiting for me behind my lids tonight? All I know is what’s on my mind as I venture forth….

“The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.”

4:01am…Just When I Needed You Most

3rd night in a row I’ve woke to see 4am on my cell phone.  This  time it wasn’t a dream that shook me from sleep.  This time, it was this song in my head.  Not sure why.  It’s a *really* old song.

It reached #8 on the UK Singles Chart in September 1979

Randy Vanwarmer – Just When I Needed You Most
Uploaded by sagaz1380. – Watch more music videos, in HD!

The Key

I am a keeper of things. Of memories. My map that has taken me to where I am. Reminding me of where I’ve been. Reminding me….of him. The one I left. When all I wanted was to stay. So, I took those memories and put them in a box. I tied it tight with a red ribbon and walked away. I Turned off the light and locked the door.

Now in my heart. At home in my head. He smiles. The key hanging around his neck.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Reminder

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.” Mr. Darcy having to account for ever falling in love w Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

One of my favorites lines. And so accurately depicts the side of me that always wants to know the “how” and “why” of things. I remind myself often of Mr. Darcy’s reply. One cannot always put a finger on the pulse of a beginning. And delving too deep in the “why” can tarnish the very beauty of the subject in question.

Sometimes things are as they are. Perfectly innocent in their raw and inexplicable reasonings. For as I am unable to find the beginning of things, I am also at a loss to their endings as well. It is hard to let go of those things you have no idea how they began. Just realizing one day that you are in the middle of something with no recollection of how you got to where you are, reflects the importance and intensity of being in it. And the absolute knowledge that you need to continue down that path. Where ever it may lead. No questions asked.

Just Me….

This is my first attempt at a blog. I truly have no idea what I am doing but love the idea of having an outlet for the ramblings in my head and of  my heart.  The latter being  the stronger of the two, yet the two are often one.

Still…. as I reread that I’m like that’s crap.  They seem in a constant state of  “opposite ends” no matter the query.  What I hope is to break free from the haze of uncertainty and indecision that arises from the, what feels like, constant see-saw, I’m right and you’re wrong and neither one is sorry that plagues me….even today.